Heather James, Inspiring Mums® www.photoswith.me

I’ve had this blog rolling around my mind for some time now and I felt today was as good as any day to release it. Why? Well, today I am due to have our second baby, a boy, so I am on cloud nine right now as you can imagine and I wanted to share some insights of mine with you.

Ok, so if you are already familiar with me and what I do you will know my mother suffered severe Post Natal Depression (PND). It is also known in other parts of the world as: Antenatal, Perinatal and Postpartum Depression, we will refer to it here as PND.

PND lead to her suicide leaving 4 children under the age of 5, the youngest being 6 months old and a devoted, loving husband. Factors which contributed to her PND and loss of life included; the death of her first born son, a very traumatic breach birth where the baby had several health conditions of the heart and kidneys.

Further to this, and in between four full term healthy babies of natural birth, she suffered with seven miscarriages, one of which was 4 months gestation. My father shared with me his very emotional experience of catching the baby while my mother gave birth. Very sad, and a very distressing and traumatising experience for mum and dad.

Why did she lose so many babies?
It had to do with her blood group A- (About Rhesus Negative Blood – Source: www.BellyBelly.com.au), so basically, the mother’s blood can create antibodies to attack the positive blood containing a ‘foreign’ component, causing anemia or in a worst case scenario, death for a fetus. This means that any future pregnancies the mother has where the fetus is again rhesus positive, her antibodies may cross the placenta and attack the foetus’ blood cells.

My mother did not believe in contraception of any kind. Whilst originally not religious by any means, she didn’t want to control her body in that way. No doubt she would have felt like a failure of a woman and mother for not being able to bring these children to full term and living. Both my parents wanted twelve children and were setting up a wonderful life together. But the death of her first born stayed with her and clearly impacted on her hormonal and mental wellbeing. She was basically pregnant her entire adult life, what there was of it at least.

She was treated for Schizophrenia and Manic Depression, due to her severe hallucinations and ‘empty moments’ where she would just sit and stare into space for hours on end. They treated her with Lithium and electric shock therapy and she was also institutionalized several times. Back 30 odd years ago, they didn’t know enough about depression, let alone PND, so treating her would have been a great challenge to everyone.

Whilst my mother had a horrendous time as a mother suffering PND to the age of 32, my sister and I have not suffered with PND following the birth of our first born children. Now, I am not saying I wasn’t concerned or even very scared with my first child. I most certainly was! In fact, I was so focused on NOT ‘suffering it’ that it was almost an obsession not to ‘get it’. But it’s not something you contract, or hereditary if it was, we would have had it considering my mothers history, but I didn’t.

Yes, I will admit to having moments of anxiety, tears, frustration and tiredness, but that is what happens when you have a child. To me everything I experienced was what is experienced when you have a baby. It was not PND for me. Having said that, I have in fact suffered Depression five separate times in my life, completely separate and outside of having a child. So I do know what the form of depression can be like, while not the same as PND, I would have known if I had PND. Which is very interesting to me. I choose not to be on that Depression path again in anyway.

So, I am about to have my second child. I am really hoping to have this boy today, wish me luck! I do not know if I will suffer PND this time, of course, I hope I do not, but I know this for sure, I will ask for help. My mother didn’t get the right help from the right people and at a time where they didn’t know enough about PND. Today, there are support communities run by mums, there are support services run by very large not for profit and charitable organisations. So I know, if I do feel that I have PND, I do know where to go for help and that I am not afraid of asking for help. I will do this for me and my family and our future. But know that PND is hormonal imbalance and not hereditary, in my own opinion and experience.

Today, I am not ‘scared’ of having PND because, 1) It is not hereditary and 2) I know I can seek help when or if I need it which will help me through to recovery, no matter how long it takes. I want my children to have a mother, as I know the effects of not having one and the devastating impact it can have on one’s life. I do not want them to find me at the end of my life, affecting them for the rest of their life.

Where to get help today:

Australia:

BeyondBlue is a national, independent, not-for-profit organisation working to address issues associated with depression, anxiety and related disorders in Australia.

www.beyondblue.org.au

PANDA Post and Antenatal Depression Association Inc.

www.panda.org.au

SANE National Mental Health Charity

www.sane.org

Living is for Everyone LIFE Communications is a National Suicide Prevention Strategy project managed by Crisis Support Services on behalf of the Department of Health and Ageing.

www.livingisforeveryone.com.au

Crisis Support Services

Crisis Support Services Inc. (CSS) is Australia’s leading professional telephone counselling and training provider.

www.crisissupport.org.au

Black Dog Institute

The Black Dog Institute is an educational, research, clinical and community-oriented facility offering specialist expertise in mood disorders – a range of disorders that include depression and bipolar disorder (formerly called ‘manic depression’).

www.blackdoginstitute.org.au

Support Communities:
Inspiring Mums www.inspiringmums.ning.com
Real Mums www.realmums.com.au
Nifty Mums Network www.niftymumsnetwork.blogspot.com

United Kingdom:

Oxleas NHS Foundation Trust www.oxleas.nhs.uk

Post Natal Illness for suffers and survivors www.pni.org.uk

USA:

Postpartum Support International is dedicated to helping women suffering from Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, including postpartum depression, the most common complication of childbirth.
www.postpartum.net

Perinatal Foundation The mission of the Perinatal Foundation is to secure and provide resources to improve the health of babies, mothers and families from preconception to early childhood.
www.perinatalweb.org

If you are on your mother journey and need help, don’t be ashamed, know that you are NOT alone, and you are not to blame, know that you can get help and you can recover. We are here for you.

Please let us know that you have sought the help you need by commenting below and how you are going we would love to hear from you.

Wishing you the best of luck on your motherhood journey.

Heather James, Founder Inspiring Mums®

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Audrey was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes on September 26th, 2010. My husband, Audrey’s father, has had Type 1 Diabetes since he was three years old. It was always in the back of our minds that one of our kids could end up with the disease…but I truly believed we would escape it. The diagnosis was a huge shock. Type 1 Diabetes (also called Insulin-Dependent Diabetes or Juvenile Diabetes) is when the body attacks and destroys the insulin-producing beta cells of the pancreas. Insulin is the hormone that acts like the key that unlocks the cells so glucose can get inside the cells and be used for energy. Without insulin, glucose builds up in the blood and causes serious damage to the organ systems in the body. People with Type 1 Diabetes must take insulin through injections or an insulin pump to stay alive.

The number one question I am asked is, “What happened to make you take her to the doctor?” Like I said…we knew something was “off” with Audrey for a few months before she was diagnosed. I think it began when she started being extremely mean to her little sister. Then the outrageous tantrums started. Then she began to wet her pants. It was just tiny little leaks. Only enough to get her panties damp. All summer long she was hungry all the time. She wanted to eat constantly and it was getting on my nerves. She wasn’t gaining any weight so I assumed she was growing like crazy. Once she started second grade in August, she was extremely unfocused and distracted. It was like a veil was over her eyes…she was never really there. Then she started to come out of her bedroom every night to tell us her stomach hurt. We assumed she had come up with an excuse to not go to sleep. Our family doctor attributed the urine leaking as a growth spurt…her bladder muscles had to catch up. Also, she could have been waiting too long to go to the bathroom or not emptying her bladder enough because she was in a hurry.

I was worried sick all the time because I knew something was wrong and I didn’t know how to fix it. I constantly had a feeling that something horrible was about to happen. Everything began to fall into place starting on September 25th, the day before Audrey was diagnosed. I took Audrey to a birthday party at a park. It was a hot day and she was playing outside with her friends. Audrey was extremely thirsty but she was running around on a hot day so I didn’t think anything of it. Then I watched her walk across the lawn to go to the bathroom several times. I thought that was really strange. Then she wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to have any birthday cake at the party. Again, it was a hot day and that didn’t seem too weird. I took her to my parents’ house the next day to ride horses. That is her most favorite thing to do. The whole time we were with the horses she looked like a zombie. No expression or emotion. I would talk to her and she wouldn’t make eye contact or respond. Her behavior was so strange that I asked her to get off the horse. She started to cry and didn’t stop crying for an hour. She was just weeping quietly. After she took a shower that night she had one of the most intense temper tantrums I have ever seen. My husband, Blake, and I were dumbfounded. We couldn’t tell what set her off and we couldn’t reason with her. I told him about her strange behavior earlier that day with the horses and we just stared at each other for a long time. What the heck was going on?! I felt like I was going to burst from all the worry. Audrey cried herself to sleep that night. An hour after she went to sleep we heard her start sobbing again. Blake went into her room to check on her and she had wet the bed. I got off the couch and met him at her door. He told me he wanted to test her blood sugar. I backed up to the couch and sat down.

Oh my God. She has diabetes.

Of course! It made so much sense…it explained so much. She didn’t even fight the finger poke. It’s like she knew something was wrong and we were finally going to fix her. I will never forget sitting on her bed holding her while we waited for the blood glucose meter. The meter beeped and her blood glucose was 415. A normal range for a 7 year old is 80-180. She was definitely way too high.

Oh my God. She has diabetes.

I walked out of her room and Blake met me in the hall. We hugged and started to cry. “No…it’s a mistake. Sometimes kids can be high. No….it’s not true.” I said that over and over into Blake’s chest. He didn’t say anything…he just hugged me very tight and cried.

I called my mom so she could come stay at my house because our other kids were sleeping. I helped Audrey get dressed in comfy clothes and packed enough to keep her entertained for a few days and then we called the on call doctor before heading to the emergency room. We told Audrey that we were taking her to the hospital because she was sick and they were going to make her feel better. She looked so relieved…as if she had been trying to tell us something was wrong for a long time.

That is when I started shaking. My whole body was shaking as if I was freezing cold. My teeth were chattering. Blake told me it was the adrenaline and shock. I didn’t like the way it felt at all. I needed to be in control of my emotions…I was a mom on a mission and I didn’t need my body getting in my way. Shortly after we admitted her to the hospital, the shaking stopped…thank goodness. Then they confirmed our fears…Audrey did indeed have Type 1 Diabetes. They started her on IV fluids to flush the sugar out of her blood. Then they added insulin into the IV a little bit at a time. They didn’t want to bring her blood sugar level down too fast. It was a long night of no sleep and around 4am we got to ride in an ambulance for the one hour drive down to UC Davis Children’s Hospital. The next few days were spent teaching Audrey about diabetes and learning what her insulin needs are. Since my husband is a Type 1 Diabetic, the disease isn’t a stranger to us and we already know everything about it. Unfortunately, being a mother of a diabetic is a lot different that being the wife of one. I wasn’t prepared for how difficult it would be.

Not only did I have to hold my baby while they put her IV in…I had to hold her down while she had to get her finger poked and squeezed every hour. She would scream, cry and fight us. It would take a nurse, me and my husband to hold Audrey down to give her the insulin shots. I was running on 48 hours of no sleep and the idea of having to wrestle a screaming child every few hours every day was scaring me to death. She did get a lot better about her injections before we left the hospital. After a few days, we were released from the hospital and Audrey was to stay home from school until we finished fine tuning her insulin amounts.

The next few weeks were spent having to measure and weigh all of Audrey’s food (I became a carbohydrate counting expert), then we had to report to her doctors every evening and they would change her insulin amounts. Then I would start all over the next day relearning what to do because the insulin amounts changed. My days were very full. Besides having a 4-year-old and a 13-month-old…I was helping Audrey with her schoolwork and had to meet with the school to do diabetes training with the staff and fill out legal forms. I had meetings with the principal and Audrey’s teacher. I spent most of my energy transitioning Audrey into her new life. She would tell me daily that she didn’t want to have diabetes anymore. That broke my heart…I didn’t want her to have diabetes anymore either. She amazed me when a couple days after we got home from the hospital, she started doing her own blood tests. She gets her meter all set up, pokes her finger and tests like a pro! I am so proud of her and how responsible she has been about the disease from the start. It is amazing how receptive kids can be. Since Audrey can do her own blood tests, I only have to go to the school at lunch to administer her insulin. I have to drive to the school at least three times every day….I’ll admit…it is getting tiresome.

It has now been two months since Audrey was diagnosed and she has been doing fantastic. At first, I actually felt better because I got my answer. I was so worried about all the changes I had seen in her, so when I finally got to be proactive about it, I felt better. In the past month, we sold out house and we managed to make it through Halloween, school parties, several birthday parties and Thanksgiving with a diabetic child! Audrey is learning what her body feels like when her blood sugar is too low or high. She is learning what her blood glucose readings mean and how to count carbohydrates. I’m so lucky that she is handling it so well.

Audrey is doing amazing…I’m not doing as good. Now that the house is sold, we don’t know when we are moving…or where we are moving to…so that has been a huge stress. There are nights when I’m trying to go to sleep and I realize that this isn’t a round of antibiotics and Audrey isn’t going to be cured. This is Audrey’s disease and she will always have it. I’m angry at diabetes for making my little girl have to grow up too fast.  A mother needs to mourn the loss of the child she thought she had. As my mother-in-law so perfectly explained, this process is like mourning the loss of your healthy child and giving birth to a child with a disease. That notion has helped me tremendously. I think the hardest part for me right now is the lack of support from my family. After Audrey was diagnosed, I needed my family more than I ever have before and it seemed like they were all so far away.  I feel like my family doesn’t realize how life changing and hard this has been for me. If I’m having a hard day…they think I’m in a bad mood. I wish my parents would give me a hug and tell me that it’s ok to feel overwhelmed and sad. My in-laws have been extremely helpful and supportive. My friends have been amazing…they let me talk about the disease and check on me to make sure I’m doing alright. Most importantly, my husband has been so wonderful and our marriage  has gotten even better during this sad time.

I play the optimistic mom and put on a happy face for Audrey’s sake. I never want her to see me scared or sad. I want her to know everything about diabetes and learn the responsibilities that come with it, but I don’t want her to worry more than a 7 year old should. I also have to make sure Audrey’s little sister and brother are getting everything the need from me. So every night after the kids go to bed, I fall apart because I don’t know where else to put my pain and heartbreak. I can hardly eat and I have a hard time falling asleep at night. When I send Audrey to school I have to live with the fact that she can have extreme hypoglycemia or hyperglycemia, go into a coma or die. I have to somehow treat her like a normal child but never forget the reality of her disease.

I know that two months is a short amount of time and the shock and sadness is still fresh. I also know that from this point on I will begin to feel better about everything. We are planning to go to family diabetes camp this summer where I can connect with other moms and Audrey can meet other kids that understand what it’s like to live with diabetes too.

I think it is OK to feel awful after your child has been diagnosed with a disease. I don’t know if I am necessarily going through specific stages of the grieving process…but I feel like I am on some kind of journey. It might have been a difficult couple of months but I know that when we hit the one year mark I will have found peace and acceptance with this diagnosis and disease.

I hope my story and struggles can help another mother who may be facing the shock of a life changing diagnosis. I continue to remind myself that it can always be worse. Even though it can always be worse…I think it is good to let yourself feel the emotions of  the situation at hand. Seek help if it becomes too much for you…but remember you are not alone.

When it gets tough…turn up the music and dance! Elizabeth Amatangelo

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Question: Is there such a thing as a ‘Beautiful Birth’?

Over the last 2 years, I have been wanting, hoping and wishing for another baby, however my fear of another birth was overwhelming. I know I am not alone on my hoping for a baby, right?  The traumatic birth of my first born was almost enough to stop me from having more, but my burning desire to have a boy or at least another child was more overpowering.

So here I am, writing this blog to share with you while 18 weeks pregnant, so incredibly excited is a total understatement right now. To feel a baby in my tummy again and all the glorious things that go with it; bigger boobs, feeling sexier because of all the extra blood going to the brain  :) I’m feeling pretty good now as I have decided to have a ‘Beautiful Birth’.

You’d be forgiven if you asked the same question about childbirth as I started here with, but I have been told there is such a thing and I have made steps to find out. I have asked other mothers of their birthing stories. I get some horror stories, worse than mine, which are just so sad, but others I hear of any they had the most beautiful, calm, wonderful experience, I WANT THAT, BOOK ME IN NOW!

So what does it take to have a Beautiful Birth? Ok, so in my investigations I have been drawn to ‘Hypnobirthing’ also known as ‘Calm Birth’. In short, you learn to breathe your baby out, rather than, scream and push your baby out, like I was told to. I am very keen to have a water birth, no drugs this time. Considering I had, 2 inductions and 3 Epidurals, over 6 hours of constant pushing, with a vac delivery (doctor literally had leg up on the table pulling as hard as he could while I pushed!!) I’m ready to be the mater and go a la natural, no screaming thank you very much! So I have booked in with a Doula and I am so ready to get this going, we are doing it one on one and I really hope this works, otherwise I will be in for a real shock!

What is your birthing story? Have you had a ‘Beautiful Birth’? What was it like for you?

When I was told I was lazy in birth by the very doctor that had to help me get the baby out, I am determined to do this my way. The baby will tell me when it is going to be here, 2 weeks late or not (my first was 2 weeks overdue). When it’s ready, I’ll be ready. My mindset will be focused, my body will be physically ready and I will work towards my health overall to ensure a safe and ‘BEAUTIFUL BIRTH’.

I take my hat off to all mothers who have given birth to any number of children at once or numerous times. I know I have a lot to learn about birth and even motherhood, hey, but what mothers don’t, I say? We learn from one another and I am here to take your tips instead of giving you tips today. I would like to hear from you and how you achieved my goal of a Beautiful Birth. I’m all ears!

“Never doubt what you can achieve when you have a passion, apply yourself and respect others.
Listen. Learn. Laugh. Love.” ~ Heather James Inspiring Mums®

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One of the hardest parts of babyhood for me were the nighttime feedings. I like sleep and getting out of bed in the middle of the night isn’t fun! I have had three babies with three very different sleep experiences.

With my first baby, Audrey, I was against co-sleeping. When I say “co-sleeping” I’m talking about the type of co-sleeping called the “family bed.” This is when  the baby sleeps in the bed with you. I was uncomfortable having my baby sleep in the bed with me mainly because I had known parents whose 2-year-old was still joining them for bed every night and it had become a battle to get the child into his own bed. I didn’t want that to be me! So my baby was in her own bed from the start. I would nurse her at bed time and she’d fall asleep nursing. Then I would put her in her crib and she’d stay asleep. I was blessed with an extremely easygoing baby and she was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old! Before that, she was only waking once for feedings at night. It was easy to get up, nurse her and go back to bed. I now know how incredibly lucky I was.

With my second baby, Natalie, I was willing to entertain the idea of co-sleeping. I was a different person when I had Natalie. I don’t know if it was because I was a little older or she was my second child, but I approached the whole experience differently. I just had this sweet little baby inside my body and it only felt right to me to have her snuggled up against me at night. She would wake up quietly and I would already be awake, anticipating her hunger. It still amazes me that a mother and baby can be so connected.  She would start to nurse and we would both fall back to sleep. It definitely made the night waking and feedings a lot easier on me. At three months, I transitioned Natalie to her crib.  I would nurse or rock her to sleep and put her in a crib that was in my room. She would still wake up at least once at night to eat and would end up in bed with me after that. She didn’t sleep through the night until she was about 6 months old. We moved her crib into her sister’s room and from that point on she basically put herself to sleep and slept all night in her own bed.

Crying it out…are they talking about me or the baby?

When Adam was about 6 months old I started to make him cry himself to sleep. I know that some people think this is cruel and unnecessary…but I don’t think those people had a colicky baby, 6 months of only three hours of sleep a night, and two other kids to take care of. It’s not like it was easy…it’s not like I enjoyed hearing my baby crying.  However, I did enjoy the sleep that followed.

I know that there are actual plans and programs out in the world that give you directions and rules when it comes to making your baby “cry it out.” I made up my own program. I started by setting up a bed time schedule that I repeated every night. I gave Adam a warm bath, put him in his pajamas, gave him a snack, read a book and then sat down to nurse him. After we finished our bedtime ritual, I would put Adam in his bed and turn on a soother and a box fan for white noise.  I would stroke his head and coo at him and then quietly leave the room.  He cried…and cried. I cried and cried. Everything in my body was yelling at me to go get my baby! I resisted the incredible urge to run in an rescue my baby and after about 25 minutes he stopped crying and had actually put himself to sleep. I repeated this every night and by the third night he only cried 10 minutes before going to sleep. Unfortunately, he was awake a couple hours later and I was dealing with my squirmy fussy baby again. The next step was making him cry himself back to sleep when he woke up in the middle of the night. Oh great…this was going to be tough. I waited until he was about 9 months old before I actually had the guts to do this.  Meanwhile, he was putting himself to sleep and it was making his naps much better too. I began putting him down for scheduled naps and he would fuss for a few minutes and then fall asleep. The funny thing is…it seemed like he was really proud of himself for going to sleep on his own. Now it was time to tackle the night waking. He was doing great with putting himself to sleep initially but was waking up about 3 hours later. I stopped going into his room to get him when he woke up. I was so sick of living without sleep that it didn’t bother me very much to hear him crying. Plus, he only cried for a few minutes and then he’d fall back to sleep. It wasn’t a sad cry either. It sounded more like fussing or a fake cry…like he knew I was listening and he was trying to make me feel bad. After a week of making him cry himself back to sleep, he was sleeping through the night! That meant I was sleeping through the night! He is now 14 months old and sleeps 13 hours every night. During what seemed like months of one big sleepless night, I never thought we’d make it here. It is amazing! Sweet glorious sleep!

I have learned a lot when it comes to sleeping and babies. One of the most eye opening experiences for me was learning that even if you want your baby in the bed with you…your baby might sleep better in his own bed. Sleep is one of the biggest topics for new moms and I’ve learned that keeping an open mind is the key to sleep success. Do what feels right and what makes you and your baby the happiest.  You might be in a sitting position on the couch with the baby asleep on your chest, driving around town at 2am with the baby in the car seat, or pushing a baby around a dark house in a stroller. Sometimes you do whatever it takes to get sleep! Talk to your baby’s doctor about co-sleeping and “crying it out”. These are my experiences and opinions and should never take the place of professional advice or your own instincts! Good luck and get some sleep!

When it gets tough…turn up the music and dance! Elizabeth Amatangelo

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Have you found yourself going over negative, destructive thoughts on a regular basis?

Not very long ago I said Yes to every question mentioned above. I know, I can hardly believe it myself because I am a strong, usually very positive, happy person, how could this happen to me? But it was triggered by several consecutive situations that saw me plummet into a deep depression. I became trapped in a vicious and very destructive Thought Cycle (also known as Thought Viruses or Thought Patterns.) At this time, I was a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend and an employee, but I wasn’t ME! I wasn’t the wife my husband married. I wasn’t the mother I wanted to be. I wasn’t the sister I had always been. I wasn’t a the daughter I should be. I wasn’t a good friend and I was not an efficient employee.

The triggers for such Thought Cycles can be many and varied, whilst I am not a physician or medical expert, having been in depression at least 5 times in my short life I have a good grasp on what happens. The catalyst of each one was different to the next; however they were mostly an emotional attachment of some kind, usually related to Fear and Loss. Having lost my mother at a very early age, learning certain behaviour from family, it is no wonder I have gone in an out of depression throughout my life. However, it is getting easier to get out of the Thought Cycles and I would like to share with you some tips that have helped me escape. While some are very obvious and commonsense, when you are in the Thought Cycles, nothing is clear or obvious, it’s a blur. It is like looking through a fog, there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

The last time I was in depression, I nearly left my young family and walked in front of a car while heavily medicated. This stopped me in my tracks and gave me a wake up call I needed to get sorted out. So, I implemented some creativity into my life, which was different to what I do for a living as a designer. I did it for ME, MYSELF & I! Not for anyone else, my husband, my daughter, my clients or friends… I did it for Me… what followed was truly amazing… I started to become well again! I came off the heavy medications, the pain started to dissipate and I started remembering things, I wasn’t so vague, I was in the room and with others rather than in my own world. Slowly, I came back using creativity.

*Please consult your medical practitioner before introducing any of the following tips to ensure they are right for you.*

Tips on Breaking Thought Cycles:

• Start writing a morning journal of you thoughts, ideas and ramblings  - do not let others read it and do not reread it. This can be a very emotional time for you, however use this time to purge the unnecessary and unwanted negative thoughts in your mind.
• Write down 5 qualities/traits you possess within yourself i.e. Passionate, determined etc.
• Write down 5 likes/interests/passions you have i.e. writing, photography etc.
• Write down 5 blockages you feel are restricting or adding to how you feel i.e. fear, guilt, limited finances, health issues etc.

Now that you have identified some positive qualities you already have, the interests that make you happy, and the blockages that need to be addressed and worked through to be changed, you can take firm action towards breaking the Thought Cycles.

Remember:

• You cannot change others, you can only change how you respond, react and receive what others do around you, to you etc.
• You are the master of your own destiny. You can change your Thought Cycles to improve and heal your life, as I have.
• Creativity is an outlet; a place to go where you mind can be at peace and in a neutral place for at least a short while. A form of meditation if you like. You do not have to be Michael Angelo to be creative. Remember we are all creative, it is the blockages in our busy lives that hold us back from seeing our potential.
• Baby Steps. We have all heard this one, relax and go with the flow. Once you are open to change, you can focus on finding the Gate to exit the Thought Cycle. It will take a conscious effort to implement the changes and do not expect others to do it for you.
• Look at one part at a time if you need to, don’t have too many expectations, be at peace with changes you are making and trust yourself.
• Remember to breathe. Breathing properly will help to heal you within.
• Regular activity such as a brief walk each day, as well as improved nutrition and improved sleep patterns will assist in this process of self care.
• Healthy mind, healthy body, happy mother, happy family!
• Don’t give up!

Next steps:

1. Now that you are more aware of yourself and what you want, start introducing some creativity, painting, drawing, photography, writing, dancing, singing etc. Creativity comes in so many forms it would be impossible to list them all, find something that works for you and go with it. Do not aim to be ‘perfect’ I wish I could delete that word from the dictionary! Perfect is impossible, aim for balance and allowing your mind to be shifted into a more positive place rather than the Thought Cycles that plague your daily life. If you can do it on a daily basis – Great! – If not try to introduce something weekly then increases it. It’s great Me Time.
2. Set yourself little assignments, like creating a scrapbooking album of your family for a gift. Or paint a picture to hang up on your child’s wall, or enter a photography competition with a photo you have taken.
3. Vision board, then next important step is to create a vision board of what you want in your life. Grab some magazines, cardboard, scissors and glue. Choose a theme like a holiday, new home, sea change, or happy family, then lay out the pictures before you glue them, then when you are happy, glue them down. Now hang it in a place where you will see it often. After only 6 months I have ticked off 5 items on my vision board, I’m sure you will too!
4. Set some short and long term goals for yourself or as a family as a whole. Reward yourself at the milestones with a little something like a massage or facial or lunch out with a friend.

What happens next?

After regular implementation of the above self care tips and creativity, you will start to notice your mood, appearance, and mindset and how others communicate with you, change progressively. If you do implement these small significant changes to your life you will notice a shift happening for the better. It may seem like commonsense, however, when you read through the questions at the beginning again, a person who has said Yes to each question has slipped away from commonsense, and the tips above are what I used to escape the destructive Thought Cycles causing me to be in depression and suffering post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and panic attacks. Whilst I am not completely free of some of these, I am in a better place because I used the tips above to help myself and be there for my family. The choice is yours and remember; when your children are young they are learning behaviours from YOU! Set the standard and behaviour for them as well.

Wishing you the very best health in mind and body, please let us know how you go with this and leave a comment on your thoughts on the tips provided, would love to hear from you!

“Never doubt what you can achieve when you have a passion, apply yourself and respect others.
Listen. Learn. Laugh. Love.”
~ Heather James

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3. Who’s your Daddy?

It was the cutest and funniest moment I have shared with her but one that left me to think a lot about my actions as a mother and what she is learning and ‘copying’ from me.

We talk a lot about how our children are impressionable, how they will behave in certain ways because they have learned it from us. As parents we must look at our behaviour in everything we do and say because our children are like sponges, they think because we do it they can too.

My 5 Top Tips for positive behaviour with family:

1. Look – Look at your behaviour and ask it is appropriate? What impact will it have on your family? What will your family learn from your behaviour?
   Example: Crying, I’ve shed a tear or two and sometimes in front of my little girl. She will say “It’s ok mummy”. I say “Sweetie, it is ok to cry sometimes, we were given these emotions and functions for a reason, it is how you manage through it and give yourself time to express those emotions”. She may be only 4 but she understands.
2. Listen – Listen to what YOU are saying. If your little one is crying or upset, be compassionate and understanding, listen to what they have to say and respond calmly and clearly.
   Example: Once I heard myself say, “What’s wrong with you now?” Oh how I wish those words didn’t leave my mouth, but I took mental note of those words and I am more careful of how I ask the same question rephrased, “How can I help sweetie?” “Or what’s the matter, how can I help?” Sometimes with everything going on, you really just go on autopilot and can become frustrated by the 20^th toddler tanty that day and words will just roll off the tongue not thinking how those words can be learned and potentially reused. But if you listen to yourself, would you want someone saying to you, “What’s wrong with you?” when you are upset, makes you not want to respond at all, it’s not supportive or compassionate. But we don’t always say the ‘right’ things; we are not ‘perfect’, whatever that is! But we can be more aware of what we are saying to our kids, because they will replicate it and copy you in the future.
3. Learn – Learn to communicate with each of your children individually as they are all different and will require a different approach for each one. Learn what they like and what they don’t like and why.
4. Laugh – Remember to laugh! Kids love to laugh, they make us laugh and we get more hugs, they learn to laugh and be happy in life. The best way to make you and your kids laugh, well that’s easy, tickles you are sure to get a good laugh from that!
5. Love – Love who you are for all that you bring to the world and your family. Your kids will learn to love who they are because you love who you are and you have displayed to them how you do that. If you can’t show them how you look after yourself with me time, exercise, sleep, good nutrition etc. how will they know what they have to do to keep happy and healthy in life? They will learn from you.

So the moral of this article is that your behaviour not only speaks volumes to your children, but to other family members and be aware of what you do and say to ensure the best learning experience for your family. I am doing this right now, I haven’t been here much, because I need to manage my balance and show my family how I manage a very challenging, emotional and busy time with work and family. I am getting there but most importantly, I know that everything I do is being watched by one little 4 year old who thinks losing a barbie doll shoe is the worst thing that could ever happen in her world. I am a teacher and she is my ‘little copycat’ who will hopefully grow up with behaviour that is positive, supportive, compassionate, expressive and confident.

I hope you have found my little insights helpful.

“Never doubt what you can achieve when you have a passion, apply yourself and respect others.
Listen. Learn. Laugh. Love.”
~ Heather James

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Remember the ‘fun’ you used to have?

Remember how you could curl up on the lounge together with a wine and some pizza and watch an entire movie?

Remember how you could just talk for ages, relaxed and so comfortable?

Then you have children and you struggle to have a moments peace and quite, no more curling up on the lounge with your partner because there is always either the complete set of Barbies, teddy’s, blankies and children already there! The ‘fun’ you have is plagued by being too tired, the thought of the door flinging open at the ‘wrong’ time and so much for hours of talking about this and that for hours, it’s kiss, “hi,what’s for dinner?”. Find yourself who you’ve become and asking who your partner is now, “Who’s your Daddy?” now has a whole new meaning!

Getting back in touch with your partner

I’ve had to do this, so I speak from personal experience. I went through a very distressing time following a car accident and troubles at work, which also put me on a lot of medication. So not only was I already busy enough with a toddler, I was so busy trying to sort out my head, my partner was left on the wings, just waiting patiently for me. I overheard him say to my sister on the phone in the middle of my darkest time ”I just want my wife back!”. Even repeating those words cuts me to the core now. I found my way back to him, with baby steps, but I made it. I made a conscious effort to be the woman he married, to be the mother of our little girl and be the friend he needed.

We can go through life challenging events, but it’s how to manage to pull yourself out of it that really matters. How you show others around you that you are making an effort to be in a happier, more  stable place in both mind and body. If you can get your mindset into a more neutral place, your body will almost certainly follow, well it did for me. I discovered my partner again, I regained communications, I regained the intimate connections, I removed the Barbies and teddy’s to snuggle again and I found Who’s my Daddy in the cheeky sense of the word *wink* and back to having fun again. No more dark times for me!

So, sometimes we allow everything else in our lives to be more important than those around us or that we allow ourselves to become sad through challenging times and forgot the most important people who are right there waiting for us to be well again.

Are you in that dark place?

Are you lost and alone in Motherhood, relationships and life?

It’s time to turn it around! What are you going to do TODAY to turn your life around? Inspiring Quote:

“All personal breakthroughs being with a change in beliefs. So how do we change? The most effective way is to get your brain to associate massive pain to the old belief. You must feel deep in your gut that not only has this belief cost you pain in the past, but it’s costing you in the present and, ultimately, can only bring you pain in the future. Then you must associate tremendous pleasure to the idea of adopting a new, empowering belief.” ~ Anthony Robbins 

Empower yourself to move forward! Motherhood can be challenging at times, but allowing it to affect your relationship with your partner can add to the challenge. Make an action plan, work on your mindset and self care and become an active partner in your relationship again. Intimacy is hugely important in your continued self care. Remember baby steps.

Excuse me while I go an snuggle the man of my dreams, my best friend and the Daddy of our little Angel…

“Never doubt what you can achieve when you have a passion, apply yourself and respect others. Listen. Learn. Laugh. Love.”
~ Heather James
 

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• you have fed your children whatever they will eat, just to get some food into them! Ice cream for dinner anyone?
• for going back to work (maybe to a job you loathe) and leaving the kids with carers or childcare.
• you’ve left the TV on all day so you can get a few things done around the house.
• you may have added little extra body weight through pregnancy and you may not look or feel like you did before kids.
• you are not there to watch every second of your children’s early milestones, growth and development.
• you got angry at the kids or your partner over something trivial, because you are utterly exhausted!
• the house looks like a bomb has hit it and you go out for some well deserved ‘me-time’ and you feel you shouldn’t have  gone out until the house is clean!
• you feel that while you are still attracted and love your partner, you lack the same energy or the desire to be intimate as often.

Mother Guilt

I could go on, but I am sure at least one of those will resonate with you or someone you know. I will be the first to admit, I have felt every one of those ‘guilts’ listed above over the last 4 years as a mother. Yep! Sure have, but I don’t anymore! I now I accept I am NOT perfect, and in fact I now laugh about it when others try to judge me for what I do as a mother or in life in general. I have to say it has made it easier to move forward.  

 I wrote an Inspiring Quote a few months ago, it goes like this:

 “I’m not a perfect friend. I am not a perfect mum. I am not a perfect wife. I am not a perfect person. I’m yet to find anyone that is. Until then, I will be me and do my best. I may get it wrong from time to time, but there’s always room for improvement in everyone…” Quote written by Heather James  
(you may copy/use this quote but please include my name and website) www.inspiringmums.com.au  

INSPIRING CHALLENGE: 5 Top Tips for overcoming your Mother Guilt – TODAY!  

• LOVE who you are. LOVE what you do. LOVE who you are with. Or change it!
• LAUGHTER is the best medicine, laugh at judgements made on you because you know reality!
• WRITE a daily journal and purge unwanted guilty thoughts, turn them into positives!
• ACTIONS, turn your guilty thoughts into ACTIONS (i.e. too tired to be intimate, get some sleep and have some FUN!) – no more guilty thoughts!
• CREATIVITY, introduce some creativity into your life to take some of the negativity that guilt brings. Constant thinking on guilt will wear you down, have an outlet to allow more free flowing ideas to enter your life and on how you may shift the guilt altogether and maintain it!

I hope you like the tips I have put together for you, I would love to hear your feedback and thoughts on your own tips or techniques on shifting the Mother Guilt!    

 “Never doubt what you can achieve when you have a passion, apply yourself and respect others. Listen. Learn. Laugh. Love.”
~ Heather James

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A day to remember that we have the most remarkable job in the world! The hardest most wonderful job! We get to create, give birth to, protect, and shape a life. What could be more incredible that that?

This Mother’s Day, I got a valuable reminder. My girls came home from school on Friday with their Mother’s Day gifts they made in class. The look of pure anticipation and pride was all over their faces. Audrey was holding a ceramic pot that she had clearly painted, with a little purple petunia planted in it. Natalie had a paper bag in her arms that was decorated brilliantly in a way only a 4 year old could achieve. They couldn’t wait until the official Mother’s Day to give me my presents. As soon as we got home, I sat down to open my treasures. Natalie’s card was wonderful! Her preschool teacher had obviously asked her questions about me and written the answers down for her. This is when I was reminded of a very important part of parenthood. Your children are watching. They notice everything. Every little thing.

Some of the things Natalie’s Mother’s Day card said:

• I know you like vitamins when you are sick.
• You like healthy food and my favorite is a plain rollup. (That is Natalie’s favorite snack…cheese rolled up in a tortilla)
• You make me feel better when you take a splinter out, you’re very careful.
• You like to read and sleep.
• I love your hugs and kisses and stories at night.

It is so easy to get lost in the motions of day to day motherhood. Even though I already know my children notice everything I do, it is nice to be reminded.

To moms everywhere…this is your day! To the moms with small children… your kids will still fight, whine, and cry today. You will still have to clean up after them and you probably won’t get a break, but you are loved and appreciated more than you’ll ever know!

Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be.            -David Bly

When it gets tough…turn up the music and dance! Elizabeth Amatangelo

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…Are you juggling everything in constant fear or are you consciously managing your life for overall balance? 

No surprises there, right? It’s all pretty much commonsense. Correct! It’s very logical as you can see, which is why it is easy to implement following some tips provided here. So why do many of us overlook these key areas? Well, that’s simple really, when you are overwhelmed with all the competing demands, it’s hard to see it all clearly. But it’s easy enough to implement. In effect, you are treating your life as you would a job to some extent. 

So now, throw away the ‘balls’ you are ‘juggling’ and focus on the ‘scales’ for the ‘balance’ to begin. We are now focusing on the equilibrium of life inside the Mothership. Even if they are not equally balanced there are ways to top up the uneven areas and it doesn’t mean everything is going to collapse around you. When we live in fear, we do not grow and prosper.   

1. Prepare:

• Prepare, lists, focus… Create a plan of your week, and then create a map of your day. This helps you to be more productive by not wasting countless precious hours on unproductive tasks. 
  Family Time. Family time is important, so make sure you include family time in your calendar. This can make a big difference in your commitments to your family without sacrificing what needs to be done.
• Regular reminders. Time is your most valuable asset, remind yourself of this regularly and how important it is to spend some of that time with your family. 
• List checks. Remember to mark off each completed task on your list, and review it regularly. You will start to feel a sense of achievement after finishing each task. This helps you move down through the other items on your list. 

2. Lists: 

• Approach lists and priorities as you would in a job, look at time sensitivities and resources required to complete the tasks and set them in order. 
• Clearly define what is on your list and priorities for your commitments and look at the timing to keep in balance. 
• Commitments. It’s easy to become anxious over lists not being completed or over committing to tasks for others. If you have more than five specific tasks in any given day, look at the priority they are given and be realistic about what you can accomplish in that day. Delegate, reassign and/or reschedule. 
• Reflection. At the end of each day, reflect on what you have accomplished and what you want to accomplish on the following day. This will help to improve your prioritisation skills, especially if you have not done it before. Soon you will see a balance starting to happen in your life as you become more efficient at balancing your responsibilities. 

3. Flexibility: 

• Be flexible in both family and work life, be open to communications on what you need and what is needed from you. 
• Be clear and honest in communication with your employer, which will assist greatly in having a flexible work arrangement accommodating your personal and family situations when you need to take off. 
• Be flexible to negotiate terms and if there is a commitment from both, maintain regular communication with your employer. Being flexible means being open to any and all changes. 

4. Maintain Your Focus: 

• Remain focused on the main tasks which need your commitment.
• Achieve what needs to be done within the time set in your schedule for that task.
• Stay focused on what is really important to you and your business.
• Distractions a’ha… the dreaded dangling carrot…! Looks great doesn’t it?
  Too many of these can keep you from achieving your priorities, so remain focused on your list. 

Some tips I use for this are: 

• Put the mobile on silent. Put the answering machine on. Or take a brief call and make a time to call them back.
• Close your email program and set times to open it every hour or so for urgent emails. Set out times in your day planner to read and answer emails, check facebook, etc.
• Make this a plan for your home life as well. Don’t answer the phone during family/dinner time, let voicemail take it. My last article on ‘Family communication, are you REALLY listening???’ focuses more on this topic Click here to read previous article on Family Communication…

5. Delegate: 

• Delegate parts of a large project where possible, or do not take it on. The project will be completed faster, includes interaction with others, and it will promote team building and working together in the home or at work, this creates balance. 
• Share some of the household responsibilities with other family members. Engage family members over the weekend in bigger family projects, like clearing out the garage, make it a family event and fun!  

6. Be Creative: 

• Create a Goal board or an action plan to achieve the overall balance in your life and get your family involved as well. Assess all the options before they become too much for you and your home life. 
• Step back and think about what you can do to achieve greater balance in life, more than you currently have.
• Combine tasks. If you work at home, you may find creative ways of doing both work and home responsibilities together. 

7. Me Time: Exercise & Family Time…

 

•  Me Time. We often, particularly mums and single parents, leave little or no time for ourselves. But again, start by implementing small changes and you will start to notice an improvement in the balance of your life. If you follow my specially designed Balance Sheet you will be able to keep yourself in check.
• Mindset shift. Start by finding an outlet to shift your mindset into another place. In my case, I like to paint, write or do photography.
• Exercise/Diet. This is a great way of having me time, a walk along the beach is a great way to clear the mind. You could even write your daily achievements in the sand as you go. This also helps to release a naturally occurring painkilling chemical in the body called Endorphin; They are the body’s natural “happy pills”. In some cases the euphoria can last for up to 12 hours. Hello! Endorphin is the reason some people run to reduce stress. So worth a try don’t you think? Don’t forget to drink plenty of water and eat well for overall wellbeing and balance. 
• Be flexible with family, work and other personal areas of your life for balance and be open to making some of the changes shared with you here.  
• Be aware of yourself and know the signs that happen when you are becoming unbalanced: tired or fatigued, overwhelmed, sad or depressed, displeasure in the workplace, irrational, unhappy in family life, teary, and even forgetful because you have so many concerns and worries in your mind. All of which can lead to triggering thought viruses which can spiral out of control.

These tips will help you get back on your Go Train! And help you deal with these situations. Remember to breath, take time out for yourself and remember make the changes gradually to enable you to adapt easily to the changes. The balance you are creating not only affects you but your work and your family, getting the balance right can very much help your overall wellbeing. So I say no more to juggling everything in your life, it’s time to balance it out and keep it more controlled, without the fear and anxiety attached.We are all striving in our fast-paced environments to improve our lives by finding better balance with work and family life.

Free Managing you Balance A4 Poster - Download PDF here (336kb)

This is certainly a step closer to achieving the balance you desire amongst further efforts of your own.So, as you start to balance all the competing demands in your life, you will feel more in control of how your life travels. By implementing some of these changes into your life, you will not have to worry about ‘juggling’ anything and focus on ‘balancing’ what is important to you and your life. You’re the driver of this “Go Train…” it’s up to you to get to the next station, all aboard! “Next stop Happyville Station…” Toot Toot, Enjoy the ride! 

• Balance > Success > Growth 

If you like this article and would like a further reminder to continue to manage your balance, feel free to download the A4 Poster (PDF) file to thr right here and to put in your office or on your fridge. I use it everyday, I would love to know how it helps you too please leave a comment when you download the file so I can wish you well and thank you!

“Never doubt what you can achieve when you have a passion, apply yourself and respect others. Listen. Learn. Laugh. Love.”
~ Heather James

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